“And when Peter came down from the boat he walked on the waters and came toward Y’shua. But when he saw the strong wind he was afraid, and as he began to sink he cried out saying, ‘Lord, You must now rescue me!’ And immediately Y’shua, stretching out His hand, took his hand and said to him, ‘Little faith, why did you doubt?’” Matthew 14:29b-31 One New Man Bible
I’ve been thinking a lot about the song “Oceans” by Hillsong United. Particularly the lyrics,
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”
Since this song first came out approximately two years ago, I have sang this refrain over and over again, earnestly petitioning the Lord to do exactly what it says. Lead me where my trust is without borders. Take my deeper than I could ever go on my own. So deep that my faith has to be made stronger in order to go there.
I don’t think I realized exactly what I was asking for when I prayed these words.
In the past six months, I have begun my journey into the entertainment industry, as anyone who keeps up with me at all should know. It’s a place where nothing seems certain, networking is everything, money is necessary. It’s a place that, at times, seems too big for even God to infiltrate.
As I’ve been stumbling along these past months, attempting to find my way in the dark, I’ve asked so many questions. Where am I going to get the money for this? How am I supposed to support myself? Which opportunities are ones the Lord is leading me to take? Which ones compromise too much what I believe in? Where am I supposed to go now? Why did I think I could ever do this in the first place?
And amidst this chaos in my brain, the Lord has continuously reminded me of these lyrics. He’s said, “Isn’t this what you asked for? Isn’t this what you wanted? You want to do great things, make a huge difference in the world. This is where it starts. Where you feel like you have nothing left, but trusting Me.”
It blows me away every time. There are days when I wake up, and I feel like I have no idea what I’m supposed to do next. How any of this is supposed to happen. And He reminds me that I’m in the perfect positioning to see Him move in extreme ways.
One aspect of my career that I am currently working on is raising enough money to attend the summer program at the New York Conservatory for Dramatic Arts. A tuition plus housing of $4,000. Plus extra for plane tickets and food and whatever other living expenses I would need for four weeks in New York.
Literally impossible. With how much I’m making at my job, with how much my mom has already helped me as much as she can, it’s literally impossible.
I came to this point where I looked around me and all I saw was tumultuous waves, and I started sinking.
For years I’ve dreamed of seeing supernatural deliverance, healing, and breakthrough. I want to see heaven come to earth through worship and encounters with Jesus. I want to have the strength to stand in front of the demons of this world, in whatever shape they will come against me, and proclaim the love and glory of Jesus Christ. I believe that takes some serious faith and trust in Him.
The Lord showed me that this moment that I’m in, looking at the waves and sinking, is the moment where that type of faith begins to grow. There is nothing I can do, except trust in Him.
Just this morning Jesus asked me, “How much do you trust Me?” His question reminded me of that one scene in Aladdin, where Aladdin holds his hand out to Jasmine, right before they jump off the building, and says, “Do you trust me?”
Jesus wants to jump off the building with me. He wants to walk on the water with me. He wants to tear down the strongholds of the entertainment industry with me. But it all starts with that question, “Do you trust Me?” I want my answer to be “Yes.”
In order to do what I asked Him to do, in order to take me where my faith is made stronger, that means it has to be tested. I have to be put in a position where it either has to grow to meet the situation or crumble under the fear.
So here I am. I will not fall. I will keep my eyes on Y’shua, my Love. I will press into Him, that I may go deeper into His heart.
On a more practical level, I’ve been asking God to show me step by step what to do. I’ve sown into another girl, I’ve posted things on social media, and I’ve seen a return on these actions! A return I didn’t expect to see.
Now I’m waiting to see what He tells me to do next. Because He’s all I have. His words are all I have to guide me. When you’re standing on the waves, the wind whipping around you, the sharks circling the waters underneath, waiting for you to sink, all you can do is look at Y’shua.
Although I’ve been slightly terrified during this time, I realize that there’s no place I would rather be than out here on the waves, chasing Jesus.
But next time, maybe I’ll be more careful what I ask for… 😉