“The LORD is my Rock and my Fortress and my Deliverer, my God, my Rock in Whom I shall trust; my Shield, the Horn of my Salvation, and my High Tower.” Psalm 18:2 One New Man Bible
I’m literally sitting on my kitchen floor writing this, half crying, half imagining myself as strong while Bryan and Katie Torwalt’s “When You Walk Into the Room” bounces off the tile floor and echoes into the corners of my heart. The corners that I feel like are falling apart right now.
It’s the night before Thanksgiving. I’m supposed to be thankful right? And don’t get me wrong. I really am. I am so thankful for the promises God has for me, and the intimacy that I have with Him, and my goodness, how far I’ve come in the last two years is phenomenal. I really have a lot to be thankful for. I didn’t even realize how much until I started typing this.
Anyway, what’s “wrong” is that I have both a sinus and lung infection, my mom (probably) came down with the flu tonight, I realized that I have dress rehearsal in a week (a dress rehearsal I have barely been preparing for as the majority of my time has been either subbing or trying to fight this sickness), and I have no idea how we’re going to pay for any of it.
I’m going be honest. I’m slightly terrified that my mom is sick. (I was going to not put “slightly,” but then I realized I didn’t want to confess that over myself…not that “slightly” is any better. I believe the Bible says “Do not fear” not “You can fear, as long as it’s only slightly).
Why am I slightly terrified? Because she’s the major financial provider. Being a substitute teacher (which I’ve been doing since September) doesn’t make a lot, and I don’t work every day so I haven’t contributed a lot these last couple of months. We have some major expenses coming up with my dress rehearsal next weekend and my SHINE Conference at the end of the year. There’s Christmas. And there’s the fact that she’s in the middle of transitioning businesses, and satan has been putting lies and blockages every step of the way.
I’m slightly terrified because when I fall apart, she’s the one who can help put me back together, especially since I’m living at home right now. In many idolatrous ways, she is my rock.
So here I am on the kitchen floor while she’s thankfully in bed sleeping, as I am supposed to be. This is the moment in my life where I begin to realize what it means to completely rely on God.
As I sit here, I imagine some future scenario where I’m crying, and my future husband walks in and comforts me, reminding me that everything is going to be ok because God is in control. I imagine stability and security when I think of things like that. Then it hits me – why don’t I imagine Jesus walking in the room, having the same conversation with Him as I did with my imaginary husband, and find an even surer source of stability and security?
So I do. He comes and sits next to me, rejoicing that I opened my heart to see what is always true. Jesus is always there. Always. Period. The amazing Holy Spirit. Also always there. Need a Father? We’ve got one of those as well! Why, when I need to feel stable, do I imagine someone fake?
And to be clear, I’m not knocking…
- Imagining things. I am a writer and an actress. It’s my job to imagine things, but there is a purpose and a time for it. I don’t ever want my imaginings to come before the reality of Jesus.
- Being comforted by your husband. Obviously, we’re supposed to be comforted by other people. That’s part of why He gives us relationships. But again, they have their place after Jesus. I know in my heart I have definitely put people, even imaginary people, before Him.
Ok, back to business.
I don’t want to depend on other people more than I depend on Jesus, and I’m just asking myself why I do. Why do I really think that my mom can help me more than Jesus can? Why would I rather have an imaginary man’s arms supporting me when I already have the best husband EVER, period?
So when I imagined Jesus walking into the room, I felt it. I felt it this time. Now I don’t every time, but that’s not going to stop me from turning my heart and my mind towards His face. Because He is worth it. Because I know that His truth and His word that He is always with me is stronger than anything I don’t feel. I don’t want to miss the opportunity to sense His presence just because last time I felt like nothing happened.
Which really, you don’t know that nothing happened. I believe that every time we turn our gaze towards Jesus, something shifts in us and in the spirit realm. Just because we don’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. That’s what faith is.
I don’t know your life story, and I can’t completely feel what you have felt. I can only offer you my experiences and promise you that if He can do it for me, He can do it for you. No, you may not always feel Him, but that doesn’t mean His love isn’t still lifting up your head. It doesn’t mean that the pain will last. It doesn’t mean that whatever crappy circumstances you find yourself in are not going to change.
It simply provides more opportunity for breakthrough. It means miracles are waiting to happen. It means that His love gets to be proven in your life.
Before my future husband, before my mom, I want Jesus to be my rock. Even His name is so precious to me. When I whisper it over and over, I can’t stop the tears that fall from my eyes. Jesus is beautiful! And to know what that statement really means is breathtaking.
I don’t know how everything will work out. I don’t know, but I know Jesus. I know His Spirit, and I know He changes things. He changes things a lot. For my good. For my mom’s good. For your good.
Jesus, thank you for everything You are. I love you, I love you, I love you. My Husband, my Provider, my Rock.
Guess what? I’m not crying anymore.